it doesn't hurt to dream, it hurts more to wake up and open my eyes.
Dreams are when I can, without crying, look at the skies.
In hope, in light, i'm happy, while, in reality, i hurt as my heart dies.
In dreams, without wish, I can escape from all the lies.
In dreams, i can be, before we said our goodbyes.

I don't understand, I know I am over it, I am.
But, when you call, it's like a condemn.
But, I will keep it away from them.
Because, I can't, no matter my feelings, leave him.
So it looks like my future is oh so grim.

As I look at the pills, my best friends.
But my hope, the pain transcends.
But to my heart, how can I make ammends?
So, now on these pills, my...life?...depends.
And, my smile just...pretends

I don't want to die, I want to escape.
They say my troubles, to my heart, will shape.
And now, all that is let, is my heart's scape.
I'm sorry, soon my dress will be a large drape.
Here is my heart, in peices, ready for you to tape.

goodbye, au revior, im sorry

Don't you see how you are living?
only for yourself.
You look at people and categorize
put them on a shelf.
You are turning into something I hate.
Do you think my feelings are some GAME?
You have said once sorry.......but, too late.
You have already broken me,
Turning me into something I'm not.
And now memories of far too long ago
are all that I've got.

something needs to be established, in my last blog it sounded like my mom neglects me.....quit the opposite. my mom and i are bestest friends. i think she is scared.

anyway....update: she called in for an appt., they said they cannot take me till i am 16. so i have to wait til my birthday next month.

in the meantime, i am throwing up alot, my vision is blurred at times, and at those times i am dizzy, cannot stand by myself, i am tired 24/7 (i slept 15 hrs, still tired) headaches, F doctors, they dont know anything. (that f was for a word i choose not to say, use your imagination)

if you have been kind of following my blog.
you will know i am sick.
and you will know that it might be cancer.
i have decided my mom is in denial.
she wont make the friggin appointment.
she won't make the appt. to go to the doctor to find out for sure.
she keeps telling me i can't handle the test they willl have to do.
OKAY WOMAN, JUST LET ME SLOWLY DIE THEN!
good honk.
i mean, i would liek to know if my time is limited.
i mean, if your 15 year old daughter might have cancer, wouldn't you want to know?

then again, maybe she is afraid, like me, they will tell her there is nothing they can do.

but, good lord.

can you tell me how to get, how to get to sesame street?
Current mood: scared

i hate growing up
it was so much easier when boys had cooties
and clothes didnt have to match
when my favorite song was the sesame street theme song.
"Press play mom, press play"
I loved the days when I woke up and my mom fed me grilled cheese.
And then we would play CandyLand.
I even go to say I loved the days when there were no best friends
no sleep overs, just so I can never grow up.
Now, this may sound stupid, but I don't want any joke back comments.
This is in no way a joke.
I'm spilling alot out here.
I hate everything about now.
I hate I have to wake up at a certain time.
I hate that I have to worry about what I am going to wear rather than
wake up and fight with my mom that I want to wear my pink tights and
my green dress, but in the end wear what she laid out.
I hate that I have a choice on how to do my hair instead of my mommy
french braiding it everyday.
I hate that I can do my make up. I hate that it is aloud everyday,
not just for special nights with my mom "mommy-kaykee time"
I miss it when the only people dying were long distant relatives and the idea of my mom dying was too complex for my brain.
I hate that I don't like bubble gum flavored toothpaste anymore.
I hate that I am about to be abe to transport myself through use of a car without someone else behind the wheel.
I miss the idea of a double didget age exciting me.
I miss thinking that girls who had boyfriends before they were married were hootchies.
I miss thinking I would never get married so I could live at home forever.
I hate that now, I have a chance to look back at my childhood.
I hate that I can say "I had a short childhood" cuz that means it's over.
I miss gold stars.
I miss happy meals.
I miss being tucked in everynight.
"Dear jesus, watch over katelyn as she sleeps, giver her good dreams and a goodnight's sleep, keep her safe and healthy, in jesus' name, amen."
I miss that.
Im not dealing with growing up very well.

this list will grow.

i sit there and stare into a mirror.
This face, powdered, molded into someone's perfection.
where is my frog prince who will ride away with me?
who will look at me and see absolutely no defections?

if i saw him, this is what i would say:

"in my dreams i saw you, close to my side.
everyword you spoke, was warm and kind.
softly you looked into my eyes as I sat and cried.
You assured me that everything would be alright.

Then we walked, my hand in your hand.
You held me, so soft and secure.
You spoke, so soft and lovingly,
but then your face becomes so unsure."

I wake up, the morning has come.
My dreams are left, far behind.
As I walk alone along the streets,
I know now what I shall not find.

This smile on my face,
is because I have a memory I now own.
Like a fairytale come true,
forever I will carry a love I have never known.

and never will cuz no guy is perfect.

okay, so im so sick of being sick.
i want them to figure out what is wrong with me....
see i started having weird stomach pains in august.
i went to the doctor.
they have been doing tests upon tests to figure it out.
they found out it might be cancer.
I DONT EVEN CARE ANYMORE.
i have decided, if it is......im not doing any treatments, i will drop out of school, do whatever i want, go and see all of disneyland as many times as i want......and die happy.
alot of people don't understand my reasoning. but i would much ratyher die happy then die fighting. truthfully.
anyways, what is your point of veiw, if you were in my position...?

I see you standing outside,
While I'm trying to hide.
You try to say I love you,
But you cant get through.
As I'm standing there,
You seem to care.

I'm afraid.
Afraid to trust.
I'm afraid.
and this world is so unjust.

will you truly be there when i call you in the middle of the night?
do you promise to hold me and make everything alright?
do you mean it when you say you will  keep the rain from falling onto my life?
do you promise to call and come to me and take away my knife?

if i said hurtful words,
would you forgive that sin?
if my tears turned to blood,
would you still love me then?

Lies churn
And from them you must learn
In whom you wish to believe
While letting go of those for whom you cannot grieve 

Betrayals disrupt, disturb, and undo
The weakest parts of you
They shake your very foundation  
So that you may be schooled by a pained liberation

Tomorrow is chance
Tomorrow all is possible at a glance
Within each tomorrow pure possibility lies
Tomorrow is the opportunity to let go and offer much needed goodbyes

I refuse to let someone else's negativity bring me down.

I refuse to let YOUR negativity to bring me down.

I will be happy, and if I am not, I will fake it, I'm pretty good at that.

I refuse to let the neglectance of a pill to bring me down.

I will NOT depend on it.

Easier said than done......

i wake up in the morning;
put on my mask, my smile.
that's enough to face the plastic world of today.
i sit there staring, thinking, for a while.

I'm living in a plastic world;
Plastic people, plastic faces.
It's scary to think, nothing is as it seems;
Fake things, fake places.

Meaningless existance;
null and void decree.
Fashion is the passion;
People, everywhere, telling us who to be.

i went through some really hard times, here is an old poem from then

At the root of insanity
Is having too much time on your hands--
Too much time to think--
Too much time to remember past hurts
And to wish things could be different.
and because it is easier to see through me
than it is for you to see the real "me"
i lie, fake, pretend everything is all right.
It is most defanitally easier for me to walk alone
than it is to risk rejection.
that's why i like alone.
It's hard for me to reach out, when I need help the most.
I just wish you could see I needed it,
hold me, so close.
All my strength is gone away,
I have nothing left to give.
So here, I climb the walls of insanity
and ride the waves of despair.
Life is a prison, o god let me out
with it's Cell walls built by society,
With rules to adhere.
No one knows I stand locked in hell's cell of rejection,
so, i give into the one thing that holds me.
I listen
Silence.
You know, silence builds an horrible attempt at a person
Feeds on sadness, being alone, and creates a void.
And I am nearly unnoticed.
Why, why should he notice?
Just let me be, alone.
Let me leave, escape.

Im sitting here, Im laughing.
You dont understand
if you only knew what I know,
you'd come and take my hand.
SO you sit there and smile at me,
i feel sorry for you, cause you're as ignorant as can be...
You never just let things be as they are
you always have to make things make sense
and thats why you dont understand me
why do you have to be so tense?
we go to the nearby park,
you watch me run and play
you wont even stop to smell a rose
you dont even know what to say

 you still dont know what i'm thinking.

Blanche, Oh Blanche, why did you leave me?
I clipped you to my shirt, so forever, you would stay.
But, I looked down,you were gone, and depressed I grew to be.
But I guess that's the price you must pay.
WHEN YOUR FRIEND IS A PLASTIC FISH

ahh it's late but i needed to share my feelings about losing my dear friend blanche, i just hope she brings as much joy as she did me, to someone else.

poem i wrote when i was at a low low point

Too often, our cries for help are silent ones. Unheard. Unheeded.
I feel so horrible, I feel so rejected and unneeded.
As a flood of tears pour out of me in all my expressions,
more and more comes, more and more depression.
I know you want to help, to be there for me.
I pound on the walls of depression, begging to be set free.

If only you knew what I thought,
If only you knew what I fought.
If only I wasn't so............caught.

I'm hurting, I need you!  Please don't give up on me!
One day I will make you smile, That is a guarantee.
But right now I am in too much pain, need to focus on myself.

I cant beleive it, i promised myself i would never start
I hold the knife so close to my heart.
Like a foolish child I sat and I cried,
Didn't realize what I had done, what I had tried.

everyone wants the spotlight till they're strange
the world, afraid they will derange
to this world don't conform
sure, those hypocrites they may swarm,
try to change you into what they want
but your uniquness is something to flaunt

here i am flaunting my me
this is as perfect as i will ever be
dont try to get me to change
this is me, i know im strange
i know im strange

why, why is strange so bad?
being different is something that should make us glad
right? i mean, aren't we supposed to be ourselves?
instead of being put on shelves
put into categories, no variety
the world gives us only one option for propriety
but all that will change
i want to be strange

here i am flaunting my me
this is as perfect as i will ever be
dont try to get me to change
this is me, i know im strange
i know im strange

don't hate me for being myself
try, try to be yourself
relieve yourself of all the pressure from your peers
it will save you from so many tears
join me, be yourself

here we are flaunting our "me"
this is perfect as we will ever be
dont try to get us to change
this is us, we know we're strange
i know i am strange

Today I saw my friend
She told me she knew everything I felt.
She knew my every weakness,
And the problems I've been dealt.

She asked my same questions,
And listened to my dreams.
She listens to everything i don't say,
And knows what it all means.

She makes me happy, so happy, it's true
she is the light in my day,
she hears me out when i want to talk
I know, forever she will stay.

Always remember to forget
The things that made you sad
But never forget to remember
The things that made you glad.

Always remember to forget
The friends that proved untrue.
But don't forget to remember
Those that have stuck by you.

Always remember to forget
The troubles that have passed your way.
But never forget to remember
The happiness that comes with each day.

♣

Lies churn
And from them you must learn
In whom you wish to believe
While letting go of those for whom you cannot grieve 

Betrayals disrupt, disturb, and undo
The weakest parts of you
They shake your very foundation  
So that you may be schooled by a pained liberation

Tomorrow is chance
Tomorrow all is possible at a glance
Within each tomorrow pure possibility lies
Tomorrow is the opportunity to let go and offer much needed goodbyes